The one perfect tone
In the forward to "The Touch of Healing: Energizing Body, Mind, and Spirit with the Art of Jin Shin Jyutsu", Alice Burmeister recounts a story her parents told of Pythagoras. Two men were about to strike one another in an argument. Pythagoras pick up his lute and "plucked a single note"--the fight broke up. He found the "one perfect tone" to harmonize the situation.
When I was first introduced to NVC, I immediately saw how it could provide the support for discovering the one perfect tone in conflictual situations. I saw how beautifully and effortlessly Marshall Rosenberg, the founder and primary trainer at that time, could defuse tension in workshops without it being a power trip. I also saw that he chose not to "make nice".
Mary Burmeister writes of Jin Shin Jyutsu, "[it] is not application of technique; it is demonstration of art...." And so it is with NVC. It took me a number of years to understand this. I got caught in attempting to apply technique without having the profound experience of the essence of the art. That came later when I trained with Jorge.
I mark a pivotal point when, in a formal empathy session with Jorge, I spoke of something I despaired would ever be received by someone in a way that could actually shift the despair. For over a decade, I had been experiencing a "dark night of the soul". I had given up my Buddhist practice, had given up on god, had given up on the possibility of ever truly being happy or whole or alive.
Because I had tried to share this inner agony with teachers, therapists and friends with no appreciable change, I had resigned myself to being stuck in a gray hell for the rest of my days unless, by chance, grace appeared.
Grace did appear that day. I took courage and tried again. "I feel utterly and completely abandoned by God, betrayed by the Buddha, and terrified to talk about it once again."
All that Jorge did was be present with "lazy-bones empathy", as he describes it. He may or may not have had a similar experience. He didn't try to fix the situation. He simply, out of his own curiosity, kept making tender guesses of what I was feeling and wanting. Sometimes his guesses were precisely accurate, and sometimes not. I don't remember the particulars of the words. What I do remember with clarity is a sparkly spaciousness coming into the room we were in. In the deep empathetic lazy-bones listening, there was a chance for the one perfect tone to come to the foreground. And for a turn toward the healing I was so desperately wanting.
This way of being present can be accessed from many paths. NVC offers one path. In my opinion, the transformative power of NVC is rarely understood and even more rarely practiced. It requires a raw honesty that strips away beliefs and a sense of control or safety. It's not about "making nice" and it's not about avoiding cacophony. It's not about peace and harmony as a strategy to getting along.
The perfect tone is an art, not a technique.
When I was first introduced to NVC, I immediately saw how it could provide the support for discovering the one perfect tone in conflictual situations. I saw how beautifully and effortlessly Marshall Rosenberg, the founder and primary trainer at that time, could defuse tension in workshops without it being a power trip. I also saw that he chose not to "make nice".
Mary Burmeister writes of Jin Shin Jyutsu, "[it] is not application of technique; it is demonstration of art...." And so it is with NVC. It took me a number of years to understand this. I got caught in attempting to apply technique without having the profound experience of the essence of the art. That came later when I trained with Jorge.
I mark a pivotal point when, in a formal empathy session with Jorge, I spoke of something I despaired would ever be received by someone in a way that could actually shift the despair. For over a decade, I had been experiencing a "dark night of the soul". I had given up my Buddhist practice, had given up on god, had given up on the possibility of ever truly being happy or whole or alive.
Because I had tried to share this inner agony with teachers, therapists and friends with no appreciable change, I had resigned myself to being stuck in a gray hell for the rest of my days unless, by chance, grace appeared.
Grace did appear that day. I took courage and tried again. "I feel utterly and completely abandoned by God, betrayed by the Buddha, and terrified to talk about it once again."
All that Jorge did was be present with "lazy-bones empathy", as he describes it. He may or may not have had a similar experience. He didn't try to fix the situation. He simply, out of his own curiosity, kept making tender guesses of what I was feeling and wanting. Sometimes his guesses were precisely accurate, and sometimes not. I don't remember the particulars of the words. What I do remember with clarity is a sparkly spaciousness coming into the room we were in. In the deep empathetic lazy-bones listening, there was a chance for the one perfect tone to come to the foreground. And for a turn toward the healing I was so desperately wanting.
This way of being present can be accessed from many paths. NVC offers one path. In my opinion, the transformative power of NVC is rarely understood and even more rarely practiced. It requires a raw honesty that strips away beliefs and a sense of control or safety. It's not about "making nice" and it's not about avoiding cacophony. It's not about peace and harmony as a strategy to getting along.
The perfect tone is an art, not a technique.
posted by Forgive the Dream at 6:37 AM
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