"He hasn't been nvc-ed yet."
Disclaimer: I am not a Certified Trainer, nor am I on the Trainer track, nor am I exposed to many trainers currently. The views I present in this blog are my personal views and therefore are no reflection of the views the NVC organization.
NVC has a transformative power that, in my estimation, is little emphasized. And because of this, the model can easily be used mechanistically. I overheard a student say the above quote to another student as a way of explaining why someone didn't use the model "correctly".
When I first was learning NVC I got a lot of ideas of how it is suppose to be done and corrected others with vigor.
On reflection, there were some key elements that were missing. Here are some that I emphasize in my practice group:
Behind every action and every expression is a beautiful need. The strategy to try to get the need met may be tragic, but the need itself is beautiful.
Needs are not in conflict but strategies sometimes are. Hence the importance of learning to distinguish between strategies and needs.
The two aspects of the model, empathy and honesty, are equally important to clear communication. My friend and colleague Jorge Rubio-Vollert describes it as a kung fu dance. One moment you are in empathy, the next in honesty. If you give listening without it being the most enlivening thing for you, your listenee will know on some level that something is stinky.
NVC is simply a language of the heart. The form is useful as training wheels but it is not the goal.
Beware of single mindedness of purpose in getting needs met from a particular person and/or in a particular way. There are a myriad of ways of getting needs met.
Practice lazy-bones empathy--relaxed, open, curious, agendaless, with no desire to fix or change or advise. This latter I will write about more and how I see it can lead to a deep presence that is, in essence, without needs.
NVC has a transformative power that, in my estimation, is little emphasized. And because of this, the model can easily be used mechanistically. I overheard a student say the above quote to another student as a way of explaining why someone didn't use the model "correctly".
When I first was learning NVC I got a lot of ideas of how it is suppose to be done and corrected others with vigor.
On reflection, there were some key elements that were missing. Here are some that I emphasize in my practice group:
Behind every action and every expression is a beautiful need. The strategy to try to get the need met may be tragic, but the need itself is beautiful.
Needs are not in conflict but strategies sometimes are. Hence the importance of learning to distinguish between strategies and needs.
The two aspects of the model, empathy and honesty, are equally important to clear communication. My friend and colleague Jorge Rubio-Vollert describes it as a kung fu dance. One moment you are in empathy, the next in honesty. If you give listening without it being the most enlivening thing for you, your listenee will know on some level that something is stinky.
NVC is simply a language of the heart. The form is useful as training wheels but it is not the goal.
Beware of single mindedness of purpose in getting needs met from a particular person and/or in a particular way. There are a myriad of ways of getting needs met.
Practice lazy-bones empathy--relaxed, open, curious, agendaless, with no desire to fix or change or advise. This latter I will write about more and how I see it can lead to a deep presence that is, in essence, without needs.
posted by Forgive the Dream at 3:04 PM
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